4am Sleep?

My name is Matthew and I am an alcoholic. Before coming into Alcoholics Anonymous I was full of fear, trapped in obsessive thinking towards myself and alcohol. My drinking lead to obsession and I lost control of how much and when I took that first drink. I would use any excuse to drink, living on selfish, self pity resentments. The first drink built a wall around reality. I lost control, living in isolation and blackouts.

By the end of my drinking I used the excuse “It helps me sleep”. I lost control and found alcohol to put me to sleep.

I would sleep but not for long, waking up in the early mornings, shaking, tremors, cold sweets. I would lay there for hours it seems, overthinking my past, present and future. Trying to control the outcomes and fighting myself to sleep. “If only I said that, did this”. “If they said that, what do they mean?” My head like a busy restaurant trying to talk over the music. I would either get up and continue to drink or lay there waiting for the day to arise.

Coming into Alcoholics anonymous, I was told that I know longer had to live this way anymore. I was welcomed by strangers who went through the same and recovered. I was told to get a sponsor, big book and a daily action plan. I worked through the steps with guidance from my sponsor and continue to work my daily plan. I handed my will over to the care of a higher power and lay my past, present and future with God at the end of the day, writing down a daily inventory. Thanking God for a sober day and asking to direct my thinking to help others. My head is at peace, I have serenity and the obsession for alcohol and self no long fill my thoughts. My head touches the pillow and I sleep, peaceful sleep. I am at ease with the world.

So lay your thoughts to rest and trust in God .

Matthew W, Road to Recovery, Plymouth

December 2019