Blah, Blah, Blah

I remember someone in the fellowship saying to me years ago don’t compare yourself to others “measure your own progress”
I often sit in meetings or login into Zoom and listen to people years in or even people a few months in and I think God “I’m way off track here” and this then stops me in my tracks as my self-centred fear will raise its head and I will often question myself and what I am doing and will have thoughts such as:
• I’m not doing this program the right way;
• I don’t share as effectively as others;
• I need to start again at the very beginning.
Blah blah blah…
I’m not the best at working this program by a long stretch and I fall short a lot (ask my sponsor) and a lot of it, is simply because I am not practising the things that I know work so well. Today I have woken up and done my suggestions properly. I have logged into a morning meeting and I have done what my sponsor has asked me to do, to start sharing more. I shared and then I spent an hour beating myself up because I didn’t share as effectively as I think I should. I then made an amend to my mum and my alcoholic head then tells me that I didn’t put it across as well as I should have.
Currently sitting on the bus and what ran through my mind was this: I’m in Liverpool the place I blamed for my drinking and using I’m on my way to see my Nan and Grandad to make amends for a recent harm. I have a bank card in my pocket with money on and quite a bit of cash and not once have I thought about drinking and using, this is something I could never do. I couldn’t be trusted with £30 because it would go up my nose and I would scrounge pints off people in the pub. Based on my experience before coming to AA and also for a lot of years in AA and not hitting bottom sufficient enough for sobriety to take effect this is an absolute miracle.
So in a nutshell this program is working in my life even when I’m convinced It’s not.

Ryan D, Road to Recovery Group, Plymouth
January 2021