Calming the Emotional "White Noise"
I suffer from alchol-ISM, by nature I've always been very sensitive, shy, a “deep thinker” , an introvert (longing to be an extrovert), a doormat of humanity.
Life felt too big, insurmountable, and I reacted to circumstances feeling I couldn't cope: “it's too much”; sometimes exploding in childish tantrums. (I still can, but far less so.) Alcohol wasn't the problem, it was the best solution, friend and companion I had. It was good. It worked…TOO well.
I became dependent on fixing the emotional white noise of burning anxiety in the pub, or the “offy” or special bargains from the supermarket (checking the price against the ABV). So – I never got to mature, deal with life and my emotions without drinking.
Alcohol is a depressant, while removing inhibitions. On occasion I'd let my hair down, have a proper blow out, escape from the drab heaviness of life…and then the remorse, trying to remember the night before.
I have a disease (or dis-ease) of perspective. I'm an emotional light-weight, but by changing my perspective, doing my gratitude list, getting/talking to/listing to/trusting a sponsor, helping newcomers, doing service – I get away from me, from that emotional white noise, I change my perspective and my emotions and feel happy.
However, I have to put in some ACTIONS.
I'm the biggest sloth, my capacity for sloth is legendary, I do it with style and panache. I can sloth where lesser sloth’s would give in an do something…half man half duvet. So, if I can do these essential things: Steps, change of perspective, service, fellowship, some fun and laughter and release from loneliness – ANYONE can.
Sean, Road to Recovery Group, Plymouth