I no longer bear that grudge

I’m an alcoholic and I don’t naturally think of others before myself – unless it’s to my advantage to do so. That’s how I lived my whole life before coming to AA. I came across AA through joining NA in 1984 and so many people were sponsored from AA.

I was told in the beginning that I can only keep what I have by giving it away. I was given service from day two, picking up ashtrays and stacking the chairs after the meetings.

My first introduction to thinking of others was after my Step 5 when my sponsor told me that I was completely self-centred and that I needed to become “other-centred”. I really had no idea how to do that without ending up resenting the ‘other’ but I persevered and eventually, as I have gone through the 12 Steps of AA, I have become much more so.

Step Twelve comes in three parts. Firstly, ”Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps” – this tells me that if I do all the preceding steps, the result is that I too will have my spirit awakened, I need no longer live in the isolated dark place I previously inhabited, with only alcohol keeping me company. This is true for me as long as I maintain my spiritual health. Secondly, “We tried to carry this message to other alcoholics” – this is our primary purpose, and we can do this part in many different ways. In my time I have been blessed with many opportunities to carry AA’s message of recovery, from sponsorship, or just talking to a new person who walks into their first AA meeting, to visiting a young woman in hospital who had been found dying of a drink and drug overdose and hypothermia. By sharing my experience and gaining her trust and taking her into my home she got sober and went on to help dozens, if not hundreds of women in getting sober. She had AIDS. I’ve given (Public Information) talks to doctors and frontline workers who deal with alcoholics in their day-to-day work, telling them about our method of recovery so they may be better informed and armed in their dealings with alcoholics, and perhaps steer them in our direction. I’ve been honoured to facilitate AA meetings in HMPs and carry the message to prisoners there.

Thirdly, “and to practice these principles in all our affairs” – this can be a real challenge. It’s not easy to live by spiritual principles all the time. I know that I am a very defective human being and left to my own devices I would soon return to being that unhappy woman and I would eventually turn to a drink to make me feel better. I need other people and connection in my life in order to stay recovered. But for me, this is the part I like the best because it challenges me every day to turn up and keep working towards progress. I’m continuing to do the do!

This part of Step 12 is mentioned in many places throughout our literature.. when I have a resentment towards someone, I’m told to pray for that person’s health, happiness and prosperity and then to turn my attention to helping the next man. And when I surrender to that spiritual principle I immediately feel better, my thinking changes and I no longer bear that grudge. REPEAT

Lizzie,
Road to Recovery, Plymouth