I am the master of all my own misery, the creator of all my own problems and judge and jury when it comes to dealing with situations which baffle me.
Recently I created a world of pain and misery for myself. My program was still in place and the actions were still being taken but I was being dishonest in an area of my life where I should have been very honest, to my sponsor to myself and to my higher power.
In doing this very quickly I found myself alone with erratic thoughts. I found myself shutting down from the world and everything in it. I wanted to run away, burn everything around me, I wanted to kick out, shout scream and I wanted to die. The disease of alcoholism kicked in hard into to my mind seizing the opportunity and was leading my thoughts.
The disease is always there it never goes, it is quietened by working the program, sometimes it has voice ,but never a vote, in this situation it had both.
Luckily for me, during the chaos, the program that I had worked for over four years also had voice, my higher power had voice and I reached out for help from my sponsor. I got honest.
I have never felt the fellowship up to then as I did from that moment on. Other alcoholics rallied round and the communication lines opened. I received help and support and fellowship, I was told to get to meetings, get to coffee, keep working my program and find a newcomer to work with. Keep marching. We do not shoot our wounded we carry them, we walk with them, we help them.
I did as I was told and although at first everything still seamed bleak, my attitude became one of acceptance. My best weapon against my disease was to try and keep everything in the moment, moment by moment. If I strayed into the future I could borrow pain and bring it into the moment, if I looked at the past I would bring anger and frustration into now.
At times it seemed nothing could clear my head, all else was failing. Meetings seemed like a chore and I could not hear the shares because my thoughts were too loud. When my suggestions did nothing because my head would not let them in, when talking to my sponsor just seemed like he was having a go at me and all I heard was blah blah blah – practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail.
I did not get thirsty, not once, as you had me working with other alcoholics with people like me. Misfits, oddbods and rejects. Even though I could not see it, that’s what I was doing.
Everything I have has been given to me. Everything I have hangs from this program, when I stop practising the principles they fall one by one and shatter in front of me. That’s my deal right now at over 4 years sober. I don’t know what yours is.
Sponsorship, suggestions, steps, home group.
Recovery, unity, service. Sober.