Powerless but not Hopeless

Hi, my name is Linda, and I’m and Alcoholic I came to A.A. in 2020 during lockdown.

I rang up the A.A. helpline desperate for help as I was drinking every day, life wasn’t working out the way I imagined, and I was suicidal with no hope left.

I had my son to think of and desperately wanted to sort myself out to be a better mum for him.
My number was passed onto a lady who became my sponsor.

I truly believe today that my higher power put her in my life to save me from this devastating disease of Alcoholism.
She has been my saving grace, and I am forever grateful to her for this.

She has put up with a lot from me as I didn’t make it easy for either of us, that’s for sure.
Self will run riot, that was me.

In a short space of time into the program, I had done the first 3 steps, not fully knowing what I was doing, but I did it anyway as I was so desperate for help.

My sponsor started me on step 4, and at first I wanted to tell my whole life story and explain in extreme detail all the bad things that had happened to me in my life, which was what I thought was the reason I drank the way I did.

I went into so much detail about my resentment that one filled a page, and when I read it out for her to check how I was getting on, she immediately stopped me.

“Keep it simple she said, break it down” she didn’t want my life story she wanted me to focus on each column with just a brief description of the resentment, with my focus being on the 3rd and 4th columns.

I found this very difficult at first as I was so lost in the pain of my past, and what my life had become through the actions of others and myself that my resentments were all I could focus on.

I also tried to explain that I didn’t have most of these so-called defects of character as I was a kind person and always thought of others.

She said, “Just write it down anyway , even if you don’t see the connection just yet.”

As I would read out my step 4 to her so she could check how I was doing, she would add in so many more defects, I was easily offended as I didn’t belive I was like that.

Pride, Aragance, selfish, dishonest, self-centred, lust, self pity, envy, sloth, jealousy, intolerance, impatience, gluttony and greed.
I would only see the defects that made people feel sorry for me as I never wanted anyone to see me negatively. I was truly living in denial.

I dragged out my step 4 leaving it to the last minute to write something down quickly b4 ringing her so I could say I had done something, I also would lie and say I had been working on it when I hadn’t just to get her off my back.

When it came to doing my step 5 with my sponsor, I hadn’t been fearless and thorough, nor had I been 100% honest as I sugar-coated things to put me in a good light.

I didn’t really believe that I was the cause of my drinking through the way I had reacted to the world.
Shortly after, I coped a resentment at the meeting and walked out. I eventually relapsed a few months later.
A year had passed, and my drinking had spiralled massively with lost of consequences.

I was back drinking daily and ended up Intoxicate at work and had an accident on my E-bike with my little boy in the trailer, I nearly killed us both.

I called my sponsor that day and begged to come back. I was welcomed with open arms, but I just wasn’t willing to put the work in so she sacked me as I wasn’t sponsorable.

I left the group determined to sort my life out. “This time will be different” I said.

A few years later after trying to control and manage my drinking I finally had my inner collapse, I was suicidal and my head was all over the place worse than ever, and I knew for certain that I had step 1.

My life was definitely unmanageable there was no question about that, and I finally excepted that I was powerless over alcohol. It was my solution to drown out the noise in my head but it only made things worse.

I returned to the meeting on that Sunday the 4th of may, calm but ready to get to work, I ment business. My own opinions no longer mattered.

After changing sponsors a few times I pleaded with my first sponsor to take me back and get me through the rest of the program, and again with open arms she was there for me, she assured me if I were completely honest with her that she would have my back no matter what.
Now that I had been willing, open minded, honest, fearless and thorough not leaving one bit out, even the things I would have taken to my grave I put down, this has been the saving of me.

I can now laugh about how defective I am in character, and I notice my dishonesty and defects on the spot, and correct myself each day.
I have the tools today because of my step 4 and continued sponsorship to handle what life throws at me. I no longer react to the world the way I use to.

I understand what is in my control and what isn’t these days.

I try to practice the principles of the A.A. program to the best of my ability in all my affairs, and continue to be willing to pass the message of recovery to the still suffering alcoholic.

THERE IS HOPE!

Linda, Road To Recovery, Plymouth, January 2026