The biggest turning point

The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous has been the only way for the craving of alcohol to be removed, and to also give me a completely new way of thinking and living. It also provided me with the opportunity to let go of the past while also gaining tools to deal with new situations as they arise. Once I started these steps, I realised that recovery is not simply about stopping drinking; it is about transformation. For me, Step Five was the moment sobriety began to feel possible, and enjoyable. The rewards of working it became prominent, and the craving for alcohol truly started to subside.

Step Five meant I had to acknowledge my wrongs in life on three levels: spiritually, I had to admit them to a Higher Power as I understood it; internally, I needed to face the truth about myself, without denial or minimisation; and relationally, I need to share them with another human being, breaking the secrecy and isolation I had been causing myself. Doing this step encourages humility, accountability, and healing whilst challenges the shame I have been carrying through my whole life. Knowing that someone else now knows all these things about me – and hasn’t rejected me or abandoned me – was immensely freeing. It reduced the heaviness of everything I was holding on to for years and it allowed honesty to replace all the fear I had in my daily life. As a result of this, I began to feel less alone in the world, I was no longer weighed down by hidden shame and was able to live more openly and authentically.

Before starting my Step Five, I was experiencing a wide range of emotions: anxiety, fear, reluctance, and excitement. I was eager to experience the change I had seen in others and had heard so much about, but I was also terrified that it might not work for me. I was worried about being judged, about my secrets being shared, and about what it would mean to be seen by someone on such a raw level that I had never let anyone see before. These fears clashed with my desire for growth, creating constant internal conflict. Ultimately, I had to remind myself that this programme had worked for thousands of people before me and that it had already brought me four months of sobriety—something I had never achieved on my own. Trusting the programme, and the person who had guided me through the previous steps, became essential.

Looking back, the fears surrounding Step Five revealed a great deal about my relationship with honesty. I had never fully realised how dependent I was on other people’s opinions to feel safe. Throughout my life, I struggled to tell the truth, both to myself and to others, often shaping who I was to gain approval. My fear of rejection meant I could not form genuine connections, which left me feeling isolated even when surrounded by people. This loneliness had a significant impact on my mental health and played a major role in my drinking. Alcohol became a way to cope with the discomfort of never feeling truly understood or comfortable in my own company.

I completed my Step Five in my sponsor’s car, parked on the moors overlooking water, a place where I felt calm and safe. Choosing the right sponsor was crucial. I needed someone I trusted completely and felt I could relate to. From the moment I decided to stop drinking, I knew I would do whatever it took to change, but I also needed to feel safe in the process. Throughout the day, I repeated the Serenity Prayer and prayed to my higher power before leaving. When I began speaking, it felt awkward at first—sitting in silence while I talked—but we took breaks when needed. Once I moved past the initial discomfort, the words began to flow, and by the end I felt as though I had offloaded myself of everything I had been carrying.

After finishing Step Five, I wasn’t sure how to feel. I had heard so many different accounts of what it was supposed to be like that I didn’t know what to expect. At first, I felt nothing in particular. When I got home, I cried—not from sadness or happiness, but as if something was being released. The relief did not come all at once; it arrived gradually over the following weeks. Each day I woke up feeling lighter, as though a weight was being lifted from my chest. Eventually, I noticed a calm I had never experienced before. I could think about people I once resented and feel understanding rather than anger. Although I still experience fear and frustration at times, they no longer control me, and the craving for alcohol faded significantly.

Step Five marked the point in my recovery where the promised change became real. Living felt easier. I moved from emotional extremes and constant uncertainty to a sense of steadiness and contentment. My connection with my higher power deepened, not through explanation but through experience. Pain I had carried for years loosened its grip, replaced by acceptance and clarity. I now live with a greater understanding of who I am and feel comfortable in my own skin. For anyone approaching Step Five with fear or doubt, those feelings are understandable. The steps are in the order for a reason. When the time comes, you will be ready. Freedom truly begins when secrets end.

Ella D, Road To Recovery, Plymouth, March 2026