The Road to Discovery
After a while of attending AA meetings I really understood the saying “I didn't know that I didn’t know.” I had always felt others didn’t understand me and I was ruled by fear, as others had confidence but I had none.I can happily say today with conviction that thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous and admitting I am powerless, I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
I have discovered honesty plays such a big part in my recovery and the guidance of a sponsor who was walking the road to happy destiny when I got here. In the past I would have summed life up by saying “ people are deliberately making things hard for me!“ The intense feeling of being persecuted, self-pity and self centredness left me feeling suicidal a lot of the time.
I felt afraid when my parents had parties and friends round, feeling out of place and awkward. Alcohol did it for me and although I felt sick when I began drinking I chased that feeling of being seven foot tall for years. I could chat, act stupid, make people laugh. This is the life I thought. I wanted the effect of that boozey carefree confidence more and more.
Life was good as long as people didn’t tell or ask me to do too much. I would wake up after drinking bouts sometimes feeling so deathly sick; and as evening came on I got together enough money to do it again. No money didn’t bother me, I stole drinks, drank from old cans and left over drinks.
My behaviour deteriorated , I broke the law a few times . I couldn’t remember things I blacked out. But I still carried on and really never thought of the illness within me getting worse and worse. Doctors / counsellors – I met a few. I left them feeling hopeless as month after month of depression and panic attacks set in, there was no way out.
I telephoned AA one night. The guy on the phone arranged a meeting with me next day with him and one other twelve stepper. What they described and told me was brand new to me and I listened carefully. My first meeting I was amazed at the shares I heard, it was me! It was such a relief I wanted to tell everybody.
About a week later I asked my sponsor to sponsor me he didn’t look very grateful that I had asked him to sponser me! (Arrogance indeed…) He had been sponsoring alcoholics for some time using the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous, all I had to do was surrender and follow them on down the road to happy destiny.
I was inwardly very immature, jealous, full of pride and arrogance. The magic of AA has continued to work for 15 years in AA. Step Ten inventory continues to work, and listening to the experienced members in AA. Honesty has saved me, and continuing to carry the message to the still suffering alcoholic keeps me on the path. As has remaining sponsorable and responsible. I keep coming back, am honest with my sponsor, and stay in the centre and remain active,
I have to work at these all the time. Through doing this I have a life I am grateful for, and want others to recover and discover a life of happiness, love and joy.
Andy B., Road to Recovery Group Plymouth, Oct 2013