Trials and Low Spots

Miracles do Happen

For me, before I even picked up alcohol, I was a very disturbed child.  Full of pain and fear I spent my childhood in and out of hospitals, where I could not handle life.  I’d try and end my life and I blamed it on all the abuse I had suffered in my childhood.  So when I found alcohol I found the answer to my life and nothing was going to get in the way from the day of that first drink.  I spent every day going to great lengths to get alcohol because it made life easy and pain free.  It gave me confidence and made me happy. Then at the end of my drinking I become a thief, a liar and a cheat and was totally empty inside; a suicidal mess I no longer wanted to live and could see no way out.  I suffered severe depression and panic attacks and could not function with or without alcohol and had nobody.  I wanted to stop but could not.  I was terrified.  I tried everything! Then thank God I found Alcoholics Anonymous. 

From the first meeting I related to people. I felt at home.  I finally found people that understood me, who understood that I was an alcoholic.  A poorly person who could not stop drinking on her own will; only God's will.  I felt at home and knew I belonged.  I felt hope that I too could recover.  I was given suggestions which I did and embarked on the 12 step programme of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I got involved in service and worked with newcomers.  Within a week I was no longer obsessing over alcohol. 3 years on I still do this on a day to day basis as I have step 1.  I cannot stay sober without the 12 steps, a sponsor, meetings and suggestions!  I’ve been in recovery 3 years and had many trials and low spots; one being my husband is a heroin addict – the man I love who I have been with for ten years puts me second best to a bag of heroin because he has no choice.  

I know I cannot stop my husband from taking heroin, as I am powerless, and I know my husband will die of this disease, I know he lies to me all the time; but I stay with my husband because I know he is a good man with an illness and prey one day he gets Step 1.  I get through this by not losing my Step 1.  I do not put the tools down that got me sober in the first place.  I concentrate on my own recovery.  If I did not I’d be drinking.  I do not want to go back to the hell I come from! 

I have had trials and low spots, lost people who I love dearly in recovery and I suffered a miscarriage.  So many things have happened.  My daughter who is 14 weeks old has been born with a large ASD  and also has Craniosynostosis; which means she has to have surgery within the next 8 weeks or end up brain damaged or blind.  It’s a very hard time for me at the moment, very painful and I’m scared.  I do not want to lose my daughter.  I do not want to hand my daughter to a surgeon. I do not want to put my daughter’s life in his hands but I have no choice.  I have to trust in God and prey that my daughter gets through this.  I have spent many days crying, hurt, because I am a human being.  But I am also an alcoholic who has not had a drink today – that in itself is a miracle! 

Why? Because I came in to A.A., got a sponsor and worked the 12 steps and thought of others.  And I get grateful for what I have in my life today.  I get grateful that I no longer need to drink to function and I trust in my Higher Power that all will be well!  I stay sober one day at a time today.  I live a life beyond my wildest dreams today.  No matter what trials and low spots that are happening in my life I do not think of alcohol and I get through anything.  I live a normal life like a normal human being; miracles do happen!

Plymouth Road to Recovery, July 2011